Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sarah's LiveJournal:

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Friday, November 9th, 2007
10:10 am	hi! this is just a random update for folks that i don't talk to ever. i am doing good. ok bye! Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
6:20 pm	it's been forever im tired, and no one likes me. i can't ever be myself because then people would know, and be horrified with how underdeveloped i am. i think it would be nice to have a friend over to sit at the coffee table and color with me. i wish i didnt have to work nights so i could have time to be myself alone in my studio. i wish my dad was still a cop, and then maybe me and my mom wouldn't be poor, and alone. i wish jon was happy more. i wish i knew how to be respected without acting. and i really wish the nightmares would stop, so i could sleep. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
9:09 am	how did this happen? i've been with jon, officially, a whole year. things were rough, sometimes really rough, sometimes completley gone to pot. but after all of that, i know he really loves me, and vice versa. and i finally get it, i know its real because sometimes i hate him, im not afraid to tell him hes being a jerk when he is one, and he can get complatley annoyed with me. but if your real in you relationship, if you can be yourself with someone, thats when you get the real thing. and i had the most perfect anniversery day. jon got me the new fionna cd, i got him the melvins graphic art book. we split the sin city special edition down the middle. he took a shower, we made some love, got cheap merlot, got into our pjs and ordered dirty china max to be delivered. watched sin city curled up on the couch. that's pretty damn perfect to me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
10:31 am	this year was a battle battle after battle. im confident that for the rest of my life i will look back at this year for my strength. i came so close to losing everything so many times, including my head, and the way that i fought for what was mine, including my soul, so many times, has made me so strong. i know that im at the point of the war when im so tired and injured that i just want to lie down and sleap, but i know i wont. after deciding i will go on, the last few blows will be nothing, ill see that the worst is past, and when its over, ill continue my life, peacefull and in reflection. this year i became a grown up. everysingle week i felt like my guts were being pulled inside out, and i got used to that, and thats what being an adult is. and i sit here now for the first time realizing that for as long as i can remember i have been looking for the rock solid being who will guide me in life, who will always be there, looking for a parent. and it seems so foolish now for me to realise that that person isn't coming for me, but that i am that person for the people i love. new years resolutions: -aquire the shoes -do whatever it takes to win, and win with dignity -prepare for armegedon -grow decent tomatoes -grow my hair -not listen to people when they tell me making the world better is hopeless -face the ghosts -open the rooms in my heart ive closed off for safe keeping, clean them out, and let someone else move in. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
12:37 pm	mass update: we are reletivley happy. our house is quaint and comphy, and we only have ourselves to blame for any messes, so we have no qualms about cleaning up. we have no couch so we sit on the papazahn cushion on the floor. our coffee table is the space between the papazahn cushion and the tv. we have no microwave so we heat everything in the ovan or on the stove. on the stove only the two small burners get hot enough for boiling water. the plants and cats are thriving. they both enjoy the light and the peace and quiet. they both get love from jon and i. theres a room with guitars and a sewing machine. we haven't got a dining table, but theres a dining room, and it has a bar. our neighbors upstair are from africa and they are very religeous. on friday mornings they have church upstair. the stairway is above our walk in closet and all foot traffic echos very loudly. when they have church they sing african songs and sing strange round chants, dance and clap. it's quite a racket. they drink allot of milk, and dont recycle. im working on the recycling thing. jon works 7:30 to 4 and every morning i get up before him to mkae his breakfast and lunch then go back to bed. i like leaving surprises in his lunch. i work so many hours a week at this italian cafe, where i waitress, cook, bartend and manage. the owners like me because im loyal, reliable, smart and trustworthy. my coworkers like me bcause im silly and also efficiant and very fair. the customers like me because im funny, quircky and very knowlagable about lowell. im getting the experience i need to open my own place. i dont think it will be much longer. hopefully the grand opening will be when im 28. that's the other news: for years ive been plagued not knowing whereto go what to study, i had no dirrection, but i read an article about young black woman owning there own business, and one woman said figuring out what you want is the hardest part, but that all i had to do was say "what would i do for people free of charge" and then id know my true passion and then i could plan out building my business. the answer was simple, so im going to own a vegan cafe. i can allready see it. so jon and i are happy in our simple quiet lives, hes playing music again and doesnt have to worry about money anymore and i take care of him. im happy because for the first time, this is my place, and i get to do things my way, i actaully enjoy being home. im making allot of friends at the cafe and getting in touch with some old ones. and i like being needed, and jon needs me, so im happy. my only qualm is that me and risas sceduals conflict so im not seeing her as much as id like. Current Mood: content (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
3:27 am	not that it's any of your business... yes, rumors are exactly what we need right now. perfect. dude, fuck off, mind your own goddam garlic patch. what she does is none of your business, and if your faith in him is so easily shaken then you are no friend at all. and if you have something to say that you think i need to know then get my godam number. and to everyone else: you have no idea what is actually happening and your whispers are a poisen wich in the end will hurt you the most. and what happens between me and my man is something you will never fully comprehend, and if you think theres a problem and you want to help then be a real friend would you, and LISTEN instead of talk. i am so fucking tired of everyone telling me what i need to do, and saying im crazy, i may be naive and i may be a pushover, but i fucking like it that way, and i know what im doing, thanks. i am a good woman, and jon is a good man, we both have our fucking issues but... my faith will always be stronger than your insecurities. and this message isnt to prove anything to myself it's to let you know that even though i am the meekest of people, if you ever, i mean FUCKING EVER do anything to harm what i hold sacred it will be the worst thing you have ever done, and that is a warning to you, and to you too. Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 24th, 2005
2:51 pm	"so ask me ask me ask me" it's been a while since ive updated. everything's good. i peed in my bed last night. im never drinking again. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 5th, 2005
10:50 am	" you think YOU'RE going to heaven!? you're going straight to hell!" if everyone in the world is a hypocrite, which we are, should we still fight hypocrisy or just accept that we all criticize other people for crimes we sometimes more heinously commit ourselves? (Comment on this)
Monday, May 30th, 2005
10:27 pm	today was normal woke up wonderfully. did some dishes at jon's ate a muffin saw jon's base,ent for the first time while he did laundry. thres a running fish tank down there with no fish in it. watched kingsey, wich was sweet. napped, kinda. ate peach sorbet folded laundry while jon showered left jons to come home trash picked, got a collander, dish rack, book, and huge cork board, with the tacks, al pretty much like new, for free. weant to the asian market to buy an orange came home ate some chips and dip ate some indian food weeded the garden and picked up the yard a bit transplanted my toma toe seedlings into bigger pots. got pissed that ace brand soil sucks with teeth weant for a joy ride with the girls in kaits new car talked about other girls cos thats what girls do when there together came home painted wine boxes (green) to make cool shelves watered my neighbors plants cos they were away all weekend. stood in front of my other neighbors house behind a bush listening to someone in the basemeant practise violin. it was beautifull. ate some chocolate chips weant online and message boarded plans for the rest of the night, work on my fashion inspiration collage book. what did you do? Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Friday, May 27th, 2005
2:00 pm	i wanna go home. i fucking broke down. risa saved me like usual. but somethings gotta change. i cant keep breaking down and making someone fix me, theres gotta be more maintenance repair. when you bottle up your anger because your afraid of people eventuallly it explodes. and lately ive been hurting myself in frustration. so, i dont know. i need to balance my checkbook and take some classes and put up a punching bag in the basement. let me tell you, when you grow up constantly protected and never having to solve anything on your own, it makes you a pretty shitty adult. also i regret becoming stupid. drugs and "love" made me not care about school, and, man, i wish someone had saved me then. cos being dumb is no fun, especially when you used to be smart. but the best thing i ever heard in my life was "no, baby, i'm not going anywhere". Current Mood: frustrated (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 15th, 2005
10:38 am	how's it gonna end? when i think about you it makes me really sad. this is a message to everyone, including myself, from me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 13th, 2005
12:38 pm	im losing my voice. i sound like marge's sisters. both sexes are dumb. wich is fine. but when one is dumb to the other, it makes the other act dumber. ect., ect. why do we lie to little girls? Current Mood: bitter (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
12:34 pm	great DREAMT ABOUT ZOMBIES. they wanted brains. they killed everyone axcept me and some random people i know, they got everyone close to me though. after i killed the last one, the survivors congrigate in a school to figure out whats next. the black chick from 28 days later is there. her hair is so awesome. there were sweet battle sequences in this dream, i bet i was tossing and turning all night. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
2:26 pm	bad dreams in wich im dating rich and he cheats on me with the blond kid from the gilmore girls and wont stop being gay with him all over the place. then rich is heather, and im like "what about the l-bombs?" and shes like "ya well, i need to firgure stuff out". i wake up sweating, it's 9 a.m. i call jon, he sleepily says "hi baby" and im right as rain. i <3 month three of relationships. what i dont <3 is procrastination and cold shoulders. o ya, and man hunters, my new favorite term. man hunter: a woman who spends more than half of her time trying to make men want to fuck her Current Mood: pissed off (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
11:26 am	even thouhg im whicked stresed out all the time, im pretty happy. my tomatoe plants are looking swell, the morning glories sprouted this week and i even think one of the garlic cloves i planted has sprouted. amazing. the plant i saved from the trash is getting better, hes still in the plant hospital though. today we performed some major surgery, i removed all the dead leaves. this is a critical stage. the plant could thrive without the dead leaves sucking up unnesecary nutrients, or it could fail from such a drastic cut back of foliage. me and jon are so stupid happy, we would make you sick right now. ya. even though im stressed so much so often every day, my plants, my cats, my food, my friends, and this jon poole character, are making so much of my life wonderfull to live. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
1:09 pm	jon's mom rocks! my life for the past few months, especially days, could be a movie. i wanna be played by that really cute girl from the rules of attraction and a nights tale. jon is obviousley played by jake g. just as an update to friends who read this and know the situation but who i dont talk to all that often. we talked yesterday, and he said some heart melting things. but i did really good (for me) and im thinking about it. i mean, i dont want to be a door mat anymore, for anyone, but that doesnt change the fact that boys fuck up...a lot. if anyone has advise, or comentary, leave it here. Current Mood: thoughtful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
1:04 pm	shitty shitty shitty well, what the fuck do i do now? was the ocean in florida trying to tell me i should lean to swim better or not attempt swimming at all, ever again, when it tried to kill me? im fucking sick. terribly terribly sick. Current Mood: predatory (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 11th, 2005
2:40 pm	fires we have a fire pit. help us apease the gods and bring us wood. yes...we need much wood. my tomato plants sprouted. im so proud of the little guys! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
12:02 am	Colon problems? Maybe its all the death sandwiches you've been scarfing down. Sometimes it pays to be offensive. I was Super Vegan today thanks to the propaganda packet I recieved in the mail, pins and stickers I ordered online. So after work I speant some time vandalizing the city. I also made chicken for my cats today, wich is more vegan than feeding them canned food. But then, I guess having pets isn't vegan at all. Well, I have actual work to do on the internet now, so i'll see all you poodles later. Current Mood: mischievous (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
12:19 am	GOALS: - quit smoking - become more active, play sports, go bowling - learn sighn language - learn brazillian - get involved with kids more - VOLUNTEER - read more biographies of people i admire, less twentieth century crap. - get out of my own head - relax more - quit tv all together - sav money (i make 1200 a month, pay about 600 in bills, save nothing?) - bassically try to not be a part of what i know is wrong with the human race, and do something to better myself and it. please, hold me to this. (13 Comments |Comment on this)